More Cups for 'The Captain

By John Buccigross

Special to ESPN.com

The year is 2019, and 37-year-old Britney Spears, in her continued quest to compensate for a complete lack of talent and charisma by "shocking" America through scripted and contrived mouth kisses, lays a wet one on a stupefied Barry Trotz while presenting him with his seventh consecutive Jack Adams Award at the 2019 NHL Awards Show.

Trotz, in his 22nd year as Predators coach, is the sixth public figure to join Spears' kiss list: Madonna in 2003, the Olsen twins in 2005, Anna Kournikova in 2009, Funny Cide in 2012, and Creed lead singer Scott Stapp in 2017.

Her televised/Maury Povich Show kiss with Stapp was in conjunction with the release of their husband/wife duet CD that sold 14 copies. When asked why after her long line of celebrity mouth kissing banditry, she would opt to smooch a 56-year-old NHL head coach, Spears replied, "I loved Beetlejuice!!"

A week earlier, the Detroit Red Wings won their 15th Stanley Cup and fourth under the direction of president and GM Steve Yzerman, who retired after the 2003-2004 season, a year in which he played the entire postseason on one leg. After scoring 23 goals, Yzerman finished the regular season in such pain that he chose to have the leg amputated. He finished the playoffs with 11 goals and 16 assists, the Conn Smythe and his fourth Stanley Cup. His career ended with his double overtime, Cup-winning goal in Game 7 against the New York Rangers and their so-called Trade Deadline line. With his patented "row boat" style skating, Yzerman weaved past Jaromir Jagr and his linemates, Alexi Yashin and Pierre Turgeon, and beat goaltender Tom Poti five-hole. When Glen Sather was asked why started the startled 42-year-old defenseman in net, Sather responded, "Dude, I'm Slats."

Two days later, surgeons reattached Yzerman's leg, which was being cryogenically frozen in Bob Goodenow's heart. Following the 16-month work stoppage, Yzerman was named GM of the Red Wings after the Rangers fired Glen Sather and named Ken Holland President and GM for a reported $46 million a year and free cable. Holland vacillated until the Rangers promised to name a tunnel connecting New Jersey and Manhattan after him. "Cool!" responded Holland, and the deal was done, leaving Yzerman as the Wings' new point man.

With the new salary cap and revenue sharing, it was a new NHL, and the Wings had to build from scratch. They lost all their Hall of Famers to retirement and Pavel Datsyuk to the newly formed Russian Professional Hockey League, whose motto was "Come home and play for us or we'll borrow your liver for the summer." Every game was sold out as a similar slogan was used in league marketing.

Yzerman's first order of business was in the planning and unveiling of Taco Bell/Hockeytown Heaven, the Red Wings beautiful new 15,000-seat rink. "Hello everyone and welcome to Hockeytown Heaven," would become the most famous words in 21st century hockey. Intimate, with wonderful vertically mounted individual plasma screens on each seat, plenty of legroom, and computer-generated concession ordering. Punch in your order on the plasma screen, swipe your credit or check card and your food and beverages arrive.

After four frustrating years, Yzerman the GM won back-to-back Cups in 2010 and 2011. His teams were average, but rookie goaltender Matthew "Little Chicken Parm" Ferraro, fresh from three straight NCAA titles at Michigan, won back-to-back Conn Smythes. Red Wings goaltending coach Darren Pang said he hasn't hadn't been so excited about a goaltending prospect since Blaine Lacher. Hearing those words, Ferraro's confidence was crushed and he retired in January 2012, opting to join his father's mail-order ball bearings company, whose motto was, yes, "It's all ball bearings nowadays."

The Wings would falter following the 2014 Bill Wirtz led lockout. Wirtz, who had stopped televising Chicago Blackhawks road games in 2009, banned radio in 2010, barred all newspaper coverage in 2011 and in an unprecedented move, announced fans were no longer welcome to watch Hawks games for the 2013-14 season. At the end of the 2013-14 season, Wirtz announced, "Due to the spiraling costs of players salaries, the NHL has no choice but to cease operations until the system is fixed once and for all. The revenues and player costs do not add up."

After a lost 2016-2017 season, the Wings won the NHL draft lottery and selected 7-foot-8, 410-pound Chinese goaltender Yao Pang with the first pick of the 2017 NHL draft. Yzerman the GM followed that up with the free agent signing of 30-year-old Sidney Crosby. Crosby was coming off his eighth Stanley Cup for the Pittsburgh Penguins, which he won alongside Marc-Andre Fleury and Alexander Ovechkin. The Penguins declared bankruptcy for the 23rd time in club history that summer, before NHL Commissioner Chris Chelios said, "Enough's enough. I can't have NHL players having their wages garnished, and if I were Gary Bettman, I'd worry about my personal safety." The Penguins were dissolved and the players declared free agents.

Crosby led the Wings to two Cups, and at the 2019 NHL Awards Show accepted his seventh Hart Trophy. As paramedics revived Barry Trotz, reporters asked the 55-year-old Sir Stevie Y his thoughts about winning his eighth Stanley Cup.

Yzerman's reply: "Oops. I did it again."