April 26, 2004
BY MICHAEL ROSENBERG
FREE PRESS COLUMNIST
So what would you pay to sleep in Steve Yzerman's bed?
Wait! Let me clarify.
Art Van Furniture is selling the Steve Yzerman Collection of bedroom furniture. The store has sold many of its sets for kids, which is understandable. But the Yzerman collection also comes in an adult set, which is disturbing.
I recently looked at the Yzerman collection at Art Van, not to judge those who would purchase such a thing, but just to see what kind of sick weirdo would do it.
The bed is not made of hockey sticks. It does not feature some new, patented "gap-toothed" technology.
To be honest, it looks like the kind of perfectly normal furniture you might see in the bedroom of a mentally stable person. It's a tasteful, subdued wood, without a trace of red paint. There are no winged wheels. Only the little metal "Steve Yzerman Collection" plates mark it as property of a lunatic Wings fan.
The Yzerman collection includes a dresser (for jockstraps and such), nightstands (for that digitally created photo of you and Stevie Y) and a mirror. If you want a red light to go off when the bed shakes, you have to install it yourself.
I waited a few minutes. Nobody showed up. The salesperson said the furniture is selling quite well.
Athletes have pitched stranger products. Remember that awful Michael Jordan cologne from a few years ago? See that sweaty man? For the right price, you can smell just like him!
Then there is the Viagra endorsement of baseball star Rafael Palmeiro. In a normal, mature society, this would not be a big deal, but Palmeiro plays a sport in which grown men are supposed to scratch themselves and spit while they're working.
Soon after endorsing Viagra, Palmeiro told the world he didn't use it. Then he said he did. Is that a ringing endorsement or what?
If you can eat it, drink it, wear it, drive it, watch it or hear it, they'll sell it.
In the case of the bedroom collection, I just don't understand why an adult would buy it. Yes, Yzerman is one of the most popular athletes ever to play in Detroit, but do you really need his name on your bed?
If you said, "Yes, of course," then answer this: When people say you need balance in your life, do you respond by saying you alternate home and away Yzerman jerseys?
If you said "yes" again . . . um . . . let's just move on, before things get awkward.
Here's another problem with the Steve Yzerman bedroom collection. It violates the Cynical Fan's First Rule:
Never spend too much money on something with an athlete's name on it. It's too risky.
You buy a fancy luggage set from a Hall of Fame quarterback, and pretty soon he's arrested for carrying a gun and cocaine onto a plane.
Or you spend $700 on an oil painting of your favorite centerfielder, and the next day, he's traded to Anaheim.
Admittedly, Yzerman appears to be the safest bet in the world to stay out of trouble, and it's easier to picture George W. Bush as a Democrat than Yzerman playing for another team.
But a rule is a rule. A year ago, a lot of people would have bought a Kobe Bryant bedroom collection, and aren't you glad you don't have one now?
If a guy gets traded, you can hang his jersey in the closet. If he commits a felony, you can roll up his poster and throw it in the trash.
What are these folks going to do if Yzerman does something wrong? Sleep on the floor?
I think I know their answer: STEVIE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG AND HOW DARE YOU IMPLY IT!!!